Beyonce' Creates Theme Song for Goodwill Campaign Against Exes

That's right, you've heard it  in your car and while shopping for holiday Peeps at Walgreens:
To the left, to the left

Everthing you own in the box to the left

In the closet, that's my stuff

Yes, if I bought it then please don't touch. 

To put the kibosh on all the treacle surrounding Valentine's Day, Goodwill Keystone Area did Beyonce' one better, and created the "Dump Your Exes Stuff" campaign.

     I love that Keystone Goodwill is clear that it will NOT accept your ex's weapons, dehumidifiers, kerosene lanterns or mattresses (ew). They must know their constutuency. And we all have exes. Exes are not limited to men and women and pet crocodiles who turned on us or failed to live up to our dreams (Mr. Hyde, could you just put me through to Dr. Jekyll  now?) , but also include lemon cars, tetchy computers and leather pants that let us down. If you have ever bought an outfit only because it was a bargain, you probably ended up with an an albatross that made your ass look like it was on an IMAX screen.  What you need to do is break up with that outfit, and breaking up is hard to do. Cue the Everly Bros... Bye, bye love...

     Allow me to serve as a cautionary tale for all my subjects. I have had multiple break-ups with purchases, and I'm here to share. Hello, my name is the Empress, and I'm a clothing slut, I buy 'em and I leave 'em. Here is an embarrassing photo of all the stuff I bought one time. I even put brand labels on cards on some items for the photo! (What next, scrapbooking? Save me!)  I made these things think I cared for them. I washed them, hung them, wore them. And within a year, I threw them over ...  into a Goodwill bag (even the Rainbow Brite MaxMara skirt). I was cold, callous and unfeeling, but I am the Empress, and sometimes heads must roll and pink mohair coats must find someone who cares: "It's not you, pink mohair coat, it's me."

Other broken-hearted rejects from my closet:

Be kind, if you don't love it, set it free.