The Empress Creates her Goodwill Insta-Jolly Kit for $11.13

The Empress feels your holiday pain. Mostly though, she only feels her own pain, and driving home from the orthodontist today (the Empress left middle school forty years ago but kept the pre-teen level vanity), she was overwhelmed by the excess of holiday gewgaws and Jingle Bell Rock (bring back Wham!). Luckily, her Ouija car pulled a few blocks to the San Mateo Goodwill Store. Since the Empress has purchased a number of gifts at the San Francisco Goodwill eBay Store (just click on link!), she needed wrapping stuff, and a whole lotta of holiday spirit. She got both.

The Empress decided she needed a Jolliness Kit to make this season more fun. So since she doesn't have the Five Thousand Dollar Martha Stewart gift wrap and craft center (yikes!), she needed to create her own jolly space for Eleven Dollars and Thirteen Cents. Recipe follows:

1. Go to your local Goodwill store.

2. Buy a festive vintage sweater ($5.49) to wear or use as a bed for Gidget.

3. Get Gidget off the sweater and put it on.

4. Put together your emergency provisions: International Coffee for the Sophisticate in You, your favorite mug (from my Aunt Pearl - bless you), home-made sweets from my duchesses Gillian and Melissa, best book ever, and vintage ornaments from Goodwill last year.

 

5. Add wrapping paper ($3.96) and sparkly snowflake ornaments ($1.99) from Goodwill,
and beckon your royal assistant:

6. Look at this wrapping paper!! It's Ralphie! Do a one-leg lamp dance!

I can't put my arms down!

It's amazing! 

Go get a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock,

and "this thing which tells time"

 7. No, don't look, you'll shoot your eye out!

8. Get out the gifts in the Empress' Gift Fortress (she trusts no one):

9. Then let Elvis get in the act, he's camera shy but loves his gift wrap.

10. DO try this at home. You'll be more jolly (okay, I added brandy to my Swiss Mocha), and you'll be providing training and jobs to people in the Bay Area, which increases the jolliness factor of the season ten-fold.

Grab a mug, hug your dogs, hum a Wham song,  and know that Goodwill is out there wishing Good Will to All!

The Empress Goes Undercover: Improve Your Spy Tradecraft with Gifts from SF Goodwill's eBay site

Hi Everyone, I am the Empress of Thrift and I am a [insert current obsession]-holic. I have an addict's passion for select things:

• Dog ramps for older shuffling dachshunds on anti-anxiety meds

• Heavy cream left over from Thanksgiving for coffee

• Community, the TV show not the concept (the Empress likes a quiet castle)

• the complete works of John Le Carre.

Today was supposed to be TTSS Day in America. The day that the movie of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy was to be released here, but that was just a mass deception. The sad truth is that TTSS is in LIMITED release in NY and LA, even though San Francisco is the best loved city on earth. (See Wikipedia: "Geographical Narcissism and Delusions of Grandeur in Aging Royalty).

So instead of sitting through repeated showings of TTSS, the Empress will share some spy tools from the SF Goodwill eBay site that will allow you to play your own role as lamp-lighter, scalp-hunter or mole.

To get in shape to be a "pavement artist" and follow that suspicious neighbor:

A WII remote control to inspire you to walk the 3 miles to the nearest big box store and buy a WII Fit.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Wii-Remote-Plus-Wireless-Controller-Built-in-MotionPlus-Black-w-Silicon-Jacket-/290644178885?pt=Video_Games_Accessories&hash=item43abbe37c5

To disguise yourself as a harmless cafe-sitting, Baileys sipping sort of Irish lad or lassie:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Set-4-Vintage-Loews-Hotels-Irish-Coffee-Mugs-Hall-Advertising-Brown-White-/350513923450?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item519c42057a

Fluevog! Because they are such beautiful shoes! Also, under Poe's Purloined Letter strategy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Purloined_Letter), no one will suspect you are a spy because a spy would never wear these attention getting boots.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/John-Fluevog-Forest-Green-Brushed-Silver-Buckled-Platform-Boots-Size-7-5-/290644211952?pt=US_Women_s_Shoes&hash=item43abbeb8f0

Distract your prey with dazzling, confusing jewelry -- is this a dog? Why does it have a muffin on its head and a see-through torso? See? I'm distracted already.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Gold-Tone-and-Faux-Pearl-Signed-Brooks-Poodle-Dog-Brooch-Pin-Puppy-/350513923552?pt=Vintage_Costume_Jewelry&hash=item519c4205e0

To go undercover at Newt's campaign headquarters. Nixon perfected dirty tricks, maybe you can uncover more by wearing a jolly hat-tipping elephant tie into Mr. G's inner circle.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Brooks-Brothers-Blue-Elephant-Republican-Hat-Handmade-USA-Silk-Print-Tie-/230714949821?pt=US_Mens_Ties&hash=item35b7aec0bd

To escape quickly from a dangerous situation. I'm pretty sure you could use this as a weapon, or the moonstone might work as a metaphorical portal back to MI5 headquarters.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/925-Sterling-Silver-and-Square-Moonstone-Ring-Size-8-11-2-Grams-/350513923694?pt=US_Fine_Rings&hash=item519c42066e

Keep Shopping, and be careful out there. The Empress' wealth is tied up in the Caymans, so she won't be making bail for you.

The Empress of Thrift Wants to be Your Personal Shopper

The Empress lives to serve... usually her own self-interests. But at this Time of the Year, she gets infected by Holiday Madness (it's rife in the royal lineage due to a Jerry Lee Lewis style marriage back in the Empire's fin-de-sicle era). Holiday Madness means royal agoraphobia, in the real Greek sense of FEAR OF MALLS.  However, the Empress does not fear Greeks bearing gifts, or anyone bearing gifts (especially Wes, her Knight of the Order of UPS) -- she shamelessly loves presents and hoarding, a perfect synergy for empire building.

Gabba Gabba blah blah, will the Empress ever stop talking about herself and help you shop? Did Grandma get run over by the Grinch who stole the leg lamp? Yes, here is her secret: shop the eBay site for San Francisco Goodwill (and San Mateo and Marin) at http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563. But only if you like one or more of the following: Hermes ties, Coach purses, St. John knits, Ugg boots, vintage casserole dishes, Taxco silver earrings, a mural painted on a femur (actually featured on another Goodwill's site), or anything your gift list wants, needs or can't live without.

For the next week or so, as your lack of time and the the impending holidays combine to make you guzzle Peppermint Schnapps for breakfast, take a break and look at some of the amazing gifts available at SF Goodwill's eBay site, and do not be afraid, SF Goodwill offers Expedited Shipping for delivery by December 21, and allows returns for two weeks -- so there is no risk of empty-handedness or gift disappointment.

Today's recommendations:


For the non-hipster vintage-lovin' young'un:

Classic Dooney-Bourke Satchel Purse (RL Polo shirt and high-waisted slacks not included)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Dooney-Bourke-Black-And-Brown-Leather-Satchel-Shoulder-Purse-/230714358081?pt=US_CSA_WH_Handbags&hash=item35b7a5b941


For the Man of the house or the House (goodbye gift to Barney Frank?)

Hermes Pink Dolphin Porpoise Jockey Sealife Silk Print Tie (Jockeys riding Dolphins?  (Hieronymus Bosch wants his idea back)

 http://www.ebay.com/itm/Hermes-Pink-Dolphin-Porpoise-Jockey-Sealife-Silk-Print-Tie-5241-/230714358068?pt=US_Mens_Ties&hash=item35b7a5b934


For your relatives in Fargo who can still rock an awesome Hot Dish for the Church Supper:

Vintage Pyrex Town and Country Bowls

 http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Pyrex-3-Tab-Handled-Bowls-Lids-Town-Country-Box-Yellow-Orange-/350513490369?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item519c3b69c1


For the friend who wants jewelry that will give them cred at both  MoMa and LitCrawl:

The Thomas Mann Signed Techno Romantic Mixed Metals Adjustable Necklace Hear Star (Actual description -- who knew Thomas Mann was alive and making jewelry on the Magic Mountain?)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Thomas-Mann-Signed-Techno-Romantic-Mixed-Metals-Adjustable-Necklace-Heart-Star-/230714356889?pt=Designer_Jewelry&hash=item35b7a5b499

 For the free-spirited mother in law who loves to regale the grandkids with stories of her days as a Dead Head:

 The J. Garcia Subdued Psychedelic Gray Silk Scarf:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/J-Garcia-Grey-Brown-Silver-Abstract-Silk-Print-Scarf-/230714357183?pt=US_Scarves_Wraps&hash=item35b7a5b5bf

Check back tomorrow for more wonderful gifts, but meanwhile sit down with a cuppa and visit the online store at http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563.