The Empress Creates her Goodwill Insta-Jolly Kit for $11.13

The Empress feels your holiday pain. Mostly though, she only feels her own pain, and driving home from the orthodontist today (the Empress left middle school forty years ago but kept the pre-teen level vanity), she was overwhelmed by the excess of holiday gewgaws and Jingle Bell Rock (bring back Wham!). Luckily, her Ouija car pulled a few blocks to the San Mateo Goodwill Store. Since the Empress has purchased a number of gifts at the San Francisco Goodwill eBay Store (just click on link!), she needed wrapping stuff, and a whole lotta of holiday spirit. She got both.

The Empress decided she needed a Jolliness Kit to make this season more fun. So since she doesn't have the Five Thousand Dollar Martha Stewart gift wrap and craft center (yikes!), she needed to create her own jolly space for Eleven Dollars and Thirteen Cents. Recipe follows:

1. Go to your local Goodwill store.

2. Buy a festive vintage sweater ($5.49) to wear or use as a bed for Gidget.

3. Get Gidget off the sweater and put it on.

4. Put together your emergency provisions: International Coffee for the Sophisticate in You, your favorite mug (from my Aunt Pearl - bless you), home-made sweets from my duchesses Gillian and Melissa, best book ever, and vintage ornaments from Goodwill last year.

 

5. Add wrapping paper ($3.96) and sparkly snowflake ornaments ($1.99) from Goodwill,
and beckon your royal assistant:

6. Look at this wrapping paper!! It's Ralphie! Do a one-leg lamp dance!

I can't put my arms down!

It's amazing! 

Go get a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock,

and "this thing which tells time"

 7. No, don't look, you'll shoot your eye out!

8. Get out the gifts in the Empress' Gift Fortress (she trusts no one):

9. Then let Elvis get in the act, he's camera shy but loves his gift wrap.

10. DO try this at home. You'll be more jolly (okay, I added brandy to my Swiss Mocha), and you'll be providing training and jobs to people in the Bay Area, which increases the jolliness factor of the season ten-fold.

Grab a mug, hug your dogs, hum a Wham song,  and know that Goodwill is out there wishing Good Will to All!

The Empress Goes Undercover: Improve Your Spy Tradecraft with Gifts from SF Goodwill's eBay site

Hi Everyone, I am the Empress of Thrift and I am a [insert current obsession]-holic. I have an addict's passion for select things:

• Dog ramps for older shuffling dachshunds on anti-anxiety meds

• Heavy cream left over from Thanksgiving for coffee

• Community, the TV show not the concept (the Empress likes a quiet castle)

• the complete works of John Le Carre.

Today was supposed to be TTSS Day in America. The day that the movie of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy was to be released here, but that was just a mass deception. The sad truth is that TTSS is in LIMITED release in NY and LA, even though San Francisco is the best loved city on earth. (See Wikipedia: "Geographical Narcissism and Delusions of Grandeur in Aging Royalty).

So instead of sitting through repeated showings of TTSS, the Empress will share some spy tools from the SF Goodwill eBay site that will allow you to play your own role as lamp-lighter, scalp-hunter or mole.

To get in shape to be a "pavement artist" and follow that suspicious neighbor:

A WII remote control to inspire you to walk the 3 miles to the nearest big box store and buy a WII Fit.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Wii-Remote-Plus-Wireless-Controller-Built-in-MotionPlus-Black-w-Silicon-Jacket-/290644178885?pt=Video_Games_Accessories&hash=item43abbe37c5

To disguise yourself as a harmless cafe-sitting, Baileys sipping sort of Irish lad or lassie:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Set-4-Vintage-Loews-Hotels-Irish-Coffee-Mugs-Hall-Advertising-Brown-White-/350513923450?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item519c42057a

Fluevog! Because they are such beautiful shoes! Also, under Poe's Purloined Letter strategy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Purloined_Letter), no one will suspect you are a spy because a spy would never wear these attention getting boots.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/John-Fluevog-Forest-Green-Brushed-Silver-Buckled-Platform-Boots-Size-7-5-/290644211952?pt=US_Women_s_Shoes&hash=item43abbeb8f0

Distract your prey with dazzling, confusing jewelry -- is this a dog? Why does it have a muffin on its head and a see-through torso? See? I'm distracted already.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Gold-Tone-and-Faux-Pearl-Signed-Brooks-Poodle-Dog-Brooch-Pin-Puppy-/350513923552?pt=Vintage_Costume_Jewelry&hash=item519c4205e0

To go undercover at Newt's campaign headquarters. Nixon perfected dirty tricks, maybe you can uncover more by wearing a jolly hat-tipping elephant tie into Mr. G's inner circle.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Brooks-Brothers-Blue-Elephant-Republican-Hat-Handmade-USA-Silk-Print-Tie-/230714949821?pt=US_Mens_Ties&hash=item35b7aec0bd

To escape quickly from a dangerous situation. I'm pretty sure you could use this as a weapon, or the moonstone might work as a metaphorical portal back to MI5 headquarters.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/925-Sterling-Silver-and-Square-Moonstone-Ring-Size-8-11-2-Grams-/350513923694?pt=US_Fine_Rings&hash=item519c42066e

Keep Shopping, and be careful out there. The Empress' wealth is tied up in the Caymans, so she won't be making bail for you.

The Empress of Thrift Wants to be Your Personal Shopper

The Empress lives to serve... usually her own self-interests. But at this Time of the Year, she gets infected by Holiday Madness (it's rife in the royal lineage due to a Jerry Lee Lewis style marriage back in the Empire's fin-de-sicle era). Holiday Madness means royal agoraphobia, in the real Greek sense of FEAR OF MALLS.  However, the Empress does not fear Greeks bearing gifts, or anyone bearing gifts (especially Wes, her Knight of the Order of UPS) -- she shamelessly loves presents and hoarding, a perfect synergy for empire building.

Gabba Gabba blah blah, will the Empress ever stop talking about herself and help you shop? Did Grandma get run over by the Grinch who stole the leg lamp? Yes, here is her secret: shop the eBay site for San Francisco Goodwill (and San Mateo and Marin) at http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563. But only if you like one or more of the following: Hermes ties, Coach purses, St. John knits, Ugg boots, vintage casserole dishes, Taxco silver earrings, a mural painted on a femur (actually featured on another Goodwill's site), or anything your gift list wants, needs or can't live without.

For the next week or so, as your lack of time and the the impending holidays combine to make you guzzle Peppermint Schnapps for breakfast, take a break and look at some of the amazing gifts available at SF Goodwill's eBay site, and do not be afraid, SF Goodwill offers Expedited Shipping for delivery by December 21, and allows returns for two weeks -- so there is no risk of empty-handedness or gift disappointment.

Today's recommendations:


For the non-hipster vintage-lovin' young'un:

Classic Dooney-Bourke Satchel Purse (RL Polo shirt and high-waisted slacks not included)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Dooney-Bourke-Black-And-Brown-Leather-Satchel-Shoulder-Purse-/230714358081?pt=US_CSA_WH_Handbags&hash=item35b7a5b941


For the Man of the house or the House (goodbye gift to Barney Frank?)

Hermes Pink Dolphin Porpoise Jockey Sealife Silk Print Tie (Jockeys riding Dolphins?  (Hieronymus Bosch wants his idea back)

 http://www.ebay.com/itm/Hermes-Pink-Dolphin-Porpoise-Jockey-Sealife-Silk-Print-Tie-5241-/230714358068?pt=US_Mens_Ties&hash=item35b7a5b934


For your relatives in Fargo who can still rock an awesome Hot Dish for the Church Supper:

Vintage Pyrex Town and Country Bowls

 http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Pyrex-3-Tab-Handled-Bowls-Lids-Town-Country-Box-Yellow-Orange-/350513490369?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item519c3b69c1


For the friend who wants jewelry that will give them cred at both  MoMa and LitCrawl:

The Thomas Mann Signed Techno Romantic Mixed Metals Adjustable Necklace Hear Star (Actual description -- who knew Thomas Mann was alive and making jewelry on the Magic Mountain?)

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Thomas-Mann-Signed-Techno-Romantic-Mixed-Metals-Adjustable-Necklace-Heart-Star-/230714356889?pt=Designer_Jewelry&hash=item35b7a5b499

 For the free-spirited mother in law who loves to regale the grandkids with stories of her days as a Dead Head:

 The J. Garcia Subdued Psychedelic Gray Silk Scarf:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/J-Garcia-Grey-Brown-Silver-Abstract-Silk-Print-Scarf-/230714357183?pt=US_Scarves_Wraps&hash=item35b7a5b5bf

Check back tomorrow for more wonderful gifts, but meanwhile sit down with a cuppa and visit the online store at http://stores.ebay.com/Goodwill-San-Francisco?_trksid=p4340.l2563.

The Empress Goes South of the Border for Goodwill Treasures

When the Empress ventures out from her empire, she is like Hernán Cortés in her search for precious metals, but without all the massacres and pox-mongering. She doesn't need no stinkin badges, but she needs a different name and a Babelfish program to translate so she doesn't again ask in Spanish for perros del azúcar on her churro. Unfortunately, the Latin that she learned at the back of Miss Harding's class (a penalty box for chronic talkers) does not work in Latin America, so the Emperatriz del Ahorro uses hand motions and divining rods to suss out shiny silver jewelry. 

The Empress could earn her Thrift merit badge and save herself a great deal of money and travel time (airport waiting areas are their own special fluorescent hell) by shopping for beautiful silver jewelry at SF Goodwill, which currently features all of the items shown here, all from Taxco de Alarcón, which means "place of ballgame" (Wiki it!). So get your head in the ballgame and bid on some of these hand-crafted silver items all the way from Southeast Mexico -- they are not just muy' bonita, but each piece has its own epic backstory of how it Came to America, and to its Foster Home at SF Goodwill.

Link to all silver items in SF Goodwill ebay store 

 

http://stores.ebay.com/goodwillsanfrancisco

The Empress of Thrift Conducts a Valentine's Day Post-Mortem

If you have overdosed on endorphins, this blog is for you. This week's blog is the equivalent of washing down two Tylenol PMs with a double dose of Nyquil, and a Boone's Farm Apple Wine chaser. It is not for the faint of heart,or anyone collecting Plain White Tee cds in the remainders bin. After all the hearts and flowers of Valentine's Day, we need a shot of reality, and the Empress decided to dive into the brittle abyss of naysayers today. Why? Because she can. And will. And she was distressed by the SF Goodwill eBay site, which she studies like an Arachnologist with a tarantula pinned to the felt board ((look up spider expert in the urban dictionary for fun: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Spider%20Expert.)

If Rod Stewart was right about something other than predicting the rise of gelled hair, it was that Every Picture Tells a Story. On SF Goodwill eBay, it's a sad story with a Burt Bacharach hook: "What do you get when you fall in love?" Hopefully, a receipt, so you don't have to donate the heart totems someone gave you on Valentine's Day because  (1) You Felt they weren't "The One," (2) You Saw them on To Catch a Predator, (3) You Knew They Done You Wrong (see No. (1)), or (4) You Thought They'd Look More Like their Photo on Match.com.

All these items found their way from Valentine's Day to SF Goodwill, and are now for sale, because Love is Blind, but still likes sparkly things. http://myworld.ebay.com/goodwill_industries_of_san_francisco/

Breakfast at Tiffany's, Lunch at Goodwill, $$ left over for Valentine Dinner

 Valentine's Day is like a hologram. Some years you look at it and it's all shiny and littered with little Brach's Conversation Hearts and tiny paper cards in your milk carton Valentine box, and you rifle through them and YES, there is one from your third grade crush, Ricky Batesole, even if his mother signed it because everyone knows Ricky can't read or write yet, but he rules at Red Rover. Other years, you look at it and -- meh -- it's treacly and sticky and the cards are all sappy and $4.99, and you go into See's Candies for inspiration and buy candy, but then they give you one sample and it turns out to be... a Rum Nougat instead of a California Brittle, and you sit on the curb outside and eat it anyway and carry that fake rum flavour around all day.

 

It's a schizophrenic holiday, and Holly GoLightly

would have no part of it. She was too cool and thin to eat Rum Nougat or fawn over trinkets. She made "no-name slob" sound glamorous:

 

“Holly: I'll never let anyone put me in a cage!

Paul: I don't wanna put you in a cage, I wanna love you.
Holly: Same thing!
Paul: No it's not, Holly--
Holly: I'm not Holly! I'm not Lula Mae either. I don't know who I am. I'm like Cat here. We're a couple of no-name slobs. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.”

 

Who doesn't love Breakfast at Tiffany's (and I don't mean that cheap rip off of a song by Deep Blue Something or Other, and I remember we all Kinda Hated it). On Valentine's Day, the Empress wishes that Truman Capote were alive and spoke to her in his best high pitched Southern  voice, "Sugar, I only buy the finest thangs, and I will simply die if you don't let me take you to Goodwill for an iconic bracelet for your very ladylike wrist." Because San Francisco would welcome Truman with open arms and Mint Juleps, and SF Goodwill would have the perfect item for the Empress on V-Day, a Tiffany's bracelet at a Goodwill price:

Here's the link, just click and bid : SF Goodwill Tribute to Truman Capote http://cgi.ebay.com/Tiffany-Co-Engraved-Heart-Tag-Charm-Link-Bracelet-/230584162535?pt=Designer_Jewelry&hash=item35afe318e7

Go out and have a lovely Valentine's Day with your partner, your pal or your pet. And if you see Ricky Batesole, tell him I said "hey." 

P.S. On second thought rip Ricky's lungs out for me. I just remembered that he fed my pet hamster to his pet snake, and this is not acceptable even on Valentine's Day. If you are reading this, Ricky, you are a pig and we will get you when we have the show trials.

Goodwill presents Jewels Fit for a Queen (or Empress)

The Empress did not win the fabulous multi-jeweled necklace of fake Bedazzled® gewgaws shown in her last post. The Empress' subjects may do her bidding, but no one does her eBay bidding for her, and alas, she was distracted by more pressing state concerns such as (1) which Burt Bacharach song Jens Lekman would sing at a stranger's wedding, (2)  how to hide the evidence of her eating chunky peanut butter straight from the jar from the Duchess of Dolmas, and  (3) whether to dress as a 14 year old cowgirl or Black Swan for the Oscars. So the Empress lost the auction for the Mega-Bauble by 50 cents, or the equivalent of one Twix bar, legal tender in the Empire. Looking back, it is now evident that the stars were not aligned that day for a reason. There were more Empressy things to come at Goodwill. Just take a gander at these beauties, fit for coronations, galas, and workouts at the gym to get that peanut butter off the Empress' hips.

 The Empress' annual Birthday Month is on the horizon, when the Royal Court gathers to protest the unfairness of the Gregorian calendar's alteration of the Julian calendar, and resulting loss to the world of a whole day. The Empress says "a pox on this algorithm" and throws herself down on her ermine duvet cover in a hissy fit worthy only of pampered royalty. Check out the flawed math:

if year modulo 400 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse if year modulo 100 is 0
       then not_leap_yearelse if year modulo 4 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse
       not_leap_year

Wrrite your own protest on Wiki - Leapyear Cheats The Empress

If you want to make it up to the Empress, you can bid on these earrings -- real diamonds, gold and emeralds, at SF Goodwill link to auction of earrings rightfully belonging to the Empress.

Holy Bobbins and Broomsticks, these earrings go for only $2,999.00 -- or 5,598 Twix bars. Dogdangit -- The Empress will have to increase the rents on the serfs' demesnes.