What does the Empress of Scandinavia wear on St. Patty's Day?

Being of Scandinavian Royal Blood, the Empress tends to wrap herself in blue, yellow, white and red.

The Empress salutes all ethnic cultures (except those with rules about pure truth-telling -- oh wait that's ethical cultures). But it seems unseemly for a non-Irish descendant to go about one day a year in dangly Celtic jewelry, a clannish plaid kilt, drinking sour mash, and tilting up at the end of each sentence like she's asking a question instead of answering one: "Aye, begoren, and hawarye I'm drinkin sto-(inflection up here mid-word) ut." And I must confess that there is almost nothing as vile as the uranium-laced powder left at the bottom of the box of Lucky Charms (my brother snorted it through middle school and still sets off security alarms at the airport).

So, not wanting to get pinched under any meaning of that versatile word, but ambivalent about the wearin' of the green, the Empress dons a muted drab olive BCBG sweater from Goodwill, which will stretch nicely after she gorges on boiled cabbage and potatos, and dense salty Irish Soda Bread, washed down with Baileys and a Diet Coke chaser. 

Does the Empress Go Bottomless? Inquiring minds want to know.

Persons reading this blog (and I use the plural case loosely) may have noticed that the Empress only posts photos of thrift items that adorn the Empress' bodice or neck, with an occasional tunic or dress (or tawdry teddy). A question arises as to the nether regions of the Empress, and whether they have coverage. My readers have been too shy to raise this question.

 Wait, since I am apparently baring all to you, let me be honest here: no one has raised this question, possibly because my regular readership consists of The Empress and her two doxie assistants (I read it aloud to them and we all have a good chuckle/snort, though they look quizzical when I say that I am a dogged shopper). And while I'm on a truth-telling binge, the Empress has purchased fabulous things for the lower 40 acres. Until now, she has not posted them because her dress form has a steel rod where legs should be. [Insert off color joke of our choice here] Here is Mimi:

 The Empress could don these bottom items and somehow take photos of herself from the waist down, but what right-minded woman would do so? Our Bodies, Ourselves never told us in our 20's that childbirth, gravity and a diet heavy in Cheetos and chocolate chip cookie dough would mold our hind sides like play doh into unrecognizable shapes. The answer: two dimensional photos of the great pants and shoes I have found, less the flesh and blood that distends their shapes. Here are Marc Jacobs pants and AG jeans I found in Goodwill boutiques:

Here are my favorite AG jeans (retail $160) Goodwill: $15

Shoes: I bought these Tory Burch flats online at shopgoodwill.com:

These are beautiful embossed boots for my daughter. Again, shopgoodwill.com.

I bought these form fitting Weitzman boots on sfgoodwill's site on ebay:

I have more items but I promised a shorter blog, so I will save them for next time. So now you know, the Empress sports full coverage, so as not to scare the dogs and tots staring up at her as she greets the little people of her empire.

Huck Finn Redux

My daughter finished her midterm paper on Huckleberry Finn and posted this on her blog. If you haven't checked out her blog, you should. It proves the theory of evolution. She is more evolved than the Empress.

Go to http://gilliannewallis.tumblr.com/

This Week's Issue: Should the Empress be Committed?

1. Commitment to Thrift.
The byword for this week is "committed," as in, should the Empress have been committed for her foolhardy trek through snow and sleet to shop at Goodwills in New York City? Or, as in, should the Empress' subjects admire how committed she is to thrift shopping considering that her hotel was 1/2 block from the biggest Macy's in the world, there was a white-out snow storm, and she did not enter Macys hallowed (and heated) revolving doors? (Note: jarring pronoun change to first person coming) Here is the the magic talisman for my commitment to thrifting.

I bought this necklace on etsy.com (the rusty chain), and if you haven't shopped on etsy yet, first turn over your assets to a conservator so you don't blow it all on charms and chotchkies.  

2. The Wizard of Saks.

My magic necklace is a shiny reminder of the joy of thrifting,  and I had to kiss it like the pope's ring for strength when I slipped into Saks Fifth Avenue and breathed the rarified fumes of people who bathe their dogs in J'Adore perfume and burn their money as incense in the restroom to ward off common folk. I was in Saks to buy something nice for my lovely daughter, who deserves something that no one else has worn before. (The Goodwill Challenge does not apply to gifts.) By shopping thrift, I save enough to indulge others (Reason no. 41 to shop thrift). So I'm in Saks, and I dozed off on the velvet settee in the Burberry section, and there was a tornado, and when I awoke, everything was in color and there was music and food and lights! I must have killed the wicked witch! Hipster waiters offered me champagne and pink macaroons! Had I taken too much Benadryl again? No, it was the opening of Zac Posen's new line and the style-mongers were out in full force.

I am somewhere in that photo in my wet jeans, furry boots and puffer coat. Yeah, I really blended.


3. Destination NYC Goodwill Stores.


Happily, I was rewarded for my commitment to thrift when I steered my dogsled to two NYC Goodwills. Here are the fashionable Goodwill establishments, where Zac Posen's clothes will go to for a happier second marriage.

Flatiron District Goodwill

Chelsea Goodwill

NYSE tableau at Chelsea store

With blue hands and my body like a buffet ice sculpture, all I could think of was find.WARM.clothes. So I bought 4 boring warm sweaters. I was channeling my Mom's classic fashion sense. Next, defrosted to just soggy, I bought 2 skimpy dresses for warmer climes and times.

4. Repetitive Item Syndrome.


 Looking at these from a warm room in California, I realize I was hypothermic and bought THE MOST BORING CLOTHES EVER. Look at the variety:

Wow, stripes! I went crrrrazy.

This argyle number yells, "Social Studies teacher disappointed in Love but self-supporting."

Here are the two things I bought in case the sun returned to its orbit around the earth:

 Left pic: for my pretty one. 

Right pic: My protest against pastels at Easter.

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5. Traveling with Archie and Jughead.

Random showing off of item that is NOT boring: Here's a cashmere scarf from Kitson I bought at Goodwill's Fillmore store -- it kept me warm in the snow, and one New Yorker told me I looked like a New Yorker, the ultimate compliment for a shivering blonde with hat hair. It's Betty from Archie comics. I like her. We all like her. We hate that slutty Veronica, who would surely win the The Bachelor on TV by climbing over Betty's back in her spiky Louboutins.

I commit to a shorter blog next time. 

GAME OVER

The Empress of Thrift as Goodwill Ambassadress to New York City

The Empress of Thrift is on assignment to the Goodwill stores in Manhattan this week. She will look something like this. Wish me luck and good shopping.

Goodwill: The Good, the Bad and the Tawdry

Yes, you had me at tawdry. I meant to post this for Valentine's Day, but lost momentum. Okay, you've sensed it, I confess! I cheated on Valentine's Day. I went to a secret assignation while my husband was flyfishing. I'm weak and I want to come clean. I drove to a non-descript motel and met Sebastian in a small room with no windows. But here's the rub -- Sebastian was just not that into me. I could tell because he kept scratching to get out the door. He wouldn't look me in the eye. And the worst of it was, he wouldn't even wag his little long-haired dachshund tail. I gave him back to the shelter volunteer and he jumped in her arms. It wasn't meant to be. Was I overly eager? I wore my best red and white dachshund sweater. Did I seem too needy? I sang songs from Phantom of the Opera off key. Did he know about Elvis and Gidget? They had shed all over me before I met him. In the end, it's always about chemistry, and Sebastian and I were like two inert substances not meant to spark. Now all I can do is think of his pointy face and hum that song from The Way We Were. Pathetic.
  Chemistry is a fickle thing. Sometimes I think it's there when I buy things from Goodwill, and later it turns out it was chemistry -- I was low on meds that day. Here are three things that later turned out to be prizes, booby prizes and shameful closet secrets.
  The first is a $2 tie rack I had been searching for to hang my necklaces. It works like a dream.

The second is a pink shirt I bought because the embroidery was so well done. The Peptobismal shade is bad with my pale freckled skin, and I hate V necks on me. But the French knot embroidery was so good it belonged on an antique sampler. Not on me.

The third is the tawdry. There's a place for tawdry, and not just in Amsterdam's Red Light District or Mariah Carey's closet. Dolly Parton once said It costs alot to look this cheap." She was wrong, it only cost $5 at Goodwill. This is a fun one because you can wear it under something very sensible and feel like you are cheating, even if you're not visiting a dog at the pound on the sly.

Mantra for the day: Frugal is Such a Sexy Word

 As a member of royalty (like Dame Edna), I have to be be mindful of "my public" at all times. I feel some noblesse oblige to impart bits of wisdom to my two followers. So Lesson no. 1, courtesy of Mr. Alonzo R., a 95 year old Southern gentleman who taught me to count offering at church by using the Sum of the Digits method invented by a WWII concentration camp survivor, Jakow Trachtenberg (See the Trachtenberg Speed System of Basic Mathematics). I reckon y'all should know that it ain't the sum of your digits, it's the way you put them digits together, which leads us to Lesson No. 2: It's not how much it costs, but how high it ranks on the 1-10 Fabulosity Scale (1 being Britney Spears on a bad hair day - 10 being Audrey Hepburn on any day. In short, my motto is: 

Now, fabulosity is such a subjective concept. For example, to The Empress, this sweater was the most amazingly fabulous thrift find on Monday at the Pick of the Litter store. Imagine, a recent Anthropologie sweater WITH TAGS,  for $5.00. Here's the sum of the digits analysis -- ANTHROPOLOGIE + NEW TAGS + LONG ENOUGH  FOR TALL PERSON + COTTON + DOGS + RUFFLES + NAVY BLUE + DOGS + THRIFT = 11. But for a theoretical person who will not be named here but who fathered my fabulous children and tolerates dogs but not when they have "accidents" in the house, the analysis added up to a negative number, expressed as "Isn't that sweater too long for you?" Translation: "That sweater is an unholy abomination and don't blame me if you find it buried in the compost heap while you're not looking." As if that would ever stop the Empress from her quest for Fabulosity.

Frugal is a sexy word because when you buy frugal, you can afford to make mistakes on the road to the Kingdom of Fabulosity. Just check your addition of the digits on the way.