The Empress Goes Undercover: Improve Your Spy Tradecraft with Gifts from SF Goodwill's eBay site

Hi Everyone, I am the Empress of Thrift and I am a [insert current obsession]-holic. I have an addict's passion for select things:

• Dog ramps for older shuffling dachshunds on anti-anxiety meds

• Heavy cream left over from Thanksgiving for coffee

• Community, the TV show not the concept (the Empress likes a quiet castle)

• the complete works of John Le Carre.

Today was supposed to be TTSS Day in America. The day that the movie of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy was to be released here, but that was just a mass deception. The sad truth is that TTSS is in LIMITED release in NY and LA, even though San Francisco is the best loved city on earth. (See Wikipedia: "Geographical Narcissism and Delusions of Grandeur in Aging Royalty).

So instead of sitting through repeated showings of TTSS, the Empress will share some spy tools from the SF Goodwill eBay site that will allow you to play your own role as lamp-lighter, scalp-hunter or mole.

To get in shape to be a "pavement artist" and follow that suspicious neighbor:

A WII remote control to inspire you to walk the 3 miles to the nearest big box store and buy a WII Fit.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Wii-Remote-Plus-Wireless-Controller-Built-in-MotionPlus-Black-w-Silicon-Jacket-/290644178885?pt=Video_Games_Accessories&hash=item43abbe37c5

To disguise yourself as a harmless cafe-sitting, Baileys sipping sort of Irish lad or lassie:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Set-4-Vintage-Loews-Hotels-Irish-Coffee-Mugs-Hall-Advertising-Brown-White-/350513923450?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item519c42057a

Fluevog! Because they are such beautiful shoes! Also, under Poe's Purloined Letter strategy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Purloined_Letter), no one will suspect you are a spy because a spy would never wear these attention getting boots.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/John-Fluevog-Forest-Green-Brushed-Silver-Buckled-Platform-Boots-Size-7-5-/290644211952?pt=US_Women_s_Shoes&hash=item43abbeb8f0

Distract your prey with dazzling, confusing jewelry -- is this a dog? Why does it have a muffin on its head and a see-through torso? See? I'm distracted already.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-Gold-Tone-and-Faux-Pearl-Signed-Brooks-Poodle-Dog-Brooch-Pin-Puppy-/350513923552?pt=Vintage_Costume_Jewelry&hash=item519c4205e0

To go undercover at Newt's campaign headquarters. Nixon perfected dirty tricks, maybe you can uncover more by wearing a jolly hat-tipping elephant tie into Mr. G's inner circle.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Brooks-Brothers-Blue-Elephant-Republican-Hat-Handmade-USA-Silk-Print-Tie-/230714949821?pt=US_Mens_Ties&hash=item35b7aec0bd

To escape quickly from a dangerous situation. I'm pretty sure you could use this as a weapon, or the moonstone might work as a metaphorical portal back to MI5 headquarters.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/925-Sterling-Silver-and-Square-Moonstone-Ring-Size-8-11-2-Grams-/350513923694?pt=US_Fine_Rings&hash=item519c42066e

Keep Shopping, and be careful out there. The Empress' wealth is tied up in the Caymans, so she won't be making bail for you.

Breakfast at Tiffany's, Lunch at Goodwill, $$ left over for Valentine Dinner

 Valentine's Day is like a hologram. Some years you look at it and it's all shiny and littered with little Brach's Conversation Hearts and tiny paper cards in your milk carton Valentine box, and you rifle through them and YES, there is one from your third grade crush, Ricky Batesole, even if his mother signed it because everyone knows Ricky can't read or write yet, but he rules at Red Rover. Other years, you look at it and -- meh -- it's treacly and sticky and the cards are all sappy and $4.99, and you go into See's Candies for inspiration and buy candy, but then they give you one sample and it turns out to be... a Rum Nougat instead of a California Brittle, and you sit on the curb outside and eat it anyway and carry that fake rum flavour around all day.

 

It's a schizophrenic holiday, and Holly GoLightly

would have no part of it. She was too cool and thin to eat Rum Nougat or fawn over trinkets. She made "no-name slob" sound glamorous:

 

“Holly: I'll never let anyone put me in a cage!

Paul: I don't wanna put you in a cage, I wanna love you.
Holly: Same thing!
Paul: No it's not, Holly--
Holly: I'm not Holly! I'm not Lula Mae either. I don't know who I am. I'm like Cat here. We're a couple of no-name slobs. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.”

 

Who doesn't love Breakfast at Tiffany's (and I don't mean that cheap rip off of a song by Deep Blue Something or Other, and I remember we all Kinda Hated it). On Valentine's Day, the Empress wishes that Truman Capote were alive and spoke to her in his best high pitched Southern  voice, "Sugar, I only buy the finest thangs, and I will simply die if you don't let me take you to Goodwill for an iconic bracelet for your very ladylike wrist." Because San Francisco would welcome Truman with open arms and Mint Juleps, and SF Goodwill would have the perfect item for the Empress on V-Day, a Tiffany's bracelet at a Goodwill price:

Here's the link, just click and bid : SF Goodwill Tribute to Truman Capote http://cgi.ebay.com/Tiffany-Co-Engraved-Heart-Tag-Charm-Link-Bracelet-/230584162535?pt=Designer_Jewelry&hash=item35afe318e7

Go out and have a lovely Valentine's Day with your partner, your pal or your pet. And if you see Ricky Batesole, tell him I said "hey." 

P.S. On second thought rip Ricky's lungs out for me. I just remembered that he fed my pet hamster to his pet snake, and this is not acceptable even on Valentine's Day. If you are reading this, Ricky, you are a pig and we will get you when we have the show trials.

Goodwill presents Jewels Fit for a Queen (or Empress)

The Empress did not win the fabulous multi-jeweled necklace of fake Bedazzled® gewgaws shown in her last post. The Empress' subjects may do her bidding, but no one does her eBay bidding for her, and alas, she was distracted by more pressing state concerns such as (1) which Burt Bacharach song Jens Lekman would sing at a stranger's wedding, (2)  how to hide the evidence of her eating chunky peanut butter straight from the jar from the Duchess of Dolmas, and  (3) whether to dress as a 14 year old cowgirl or Black Swan for the Oscars. So the Empress lost the auction for the Mega-Bauble by 50 cents, or the equivalent of one Twix bar, legal tender in the Empire. Looking back, it is now evident that the stars were not aligned that day for a reason. There were more Empressy things to come at Goodwill. Just take a gander at these beauties, fit for coronations, galas, and workouts at the gym to get that peanut butter off the Empress' hips.

 The Empress' annual Birthday Month is on the horizon, when the Royal Court gathers to protest the unfairness of the Gregorian calendar's alteration of the Julian calendar, and resulting loss to the world of a whole day. The Empress says "a pox on this algorithm" and throws herself down on her ermine duvet cover in a hissy fit worthy only of pampered royalty. Check out the flawed math:

if year modulo 400 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse if year modulo 100 is 0
       then not_leap_yearelse if year modulo 4 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse
       not_leap_year

Wrrite your own protest on Wiki - Leapyear Cheats The Empress

If you want to make it up to the Empress, you can bid on these earrings -- real diamonds, gold and emeralds, at SF Goodwill link to auction of earrings rightfully belonging to the Empress.

Holy Bobbins and Broomsticks, these earrings go for only $2,999.00 -- or 5,598 Twix bars. Dogdangit -- The Empress will have to increase the rents on the serfs' demesnes.

The Empress Humbly Salutes the Goddess of Thrift, Mrs. Vera

      After the six month Goodwill Challenge was over, I succumbed to the sirens of retail for a few days, and have been doing penance by wearing a hair shirt (by Marc Jacobs, with great buttons of course) and meditating on my Sins in my little garden shed full of flea market finds valuable only to me. I even started refinishing thrift furniture for my Cloister of Retail Regret.
      What could inspire me to blog again after The Fall? (My apologies to Camus and my defense lawyer colleague, Jean-Baptiste Clamence.) It would have to be a subject that shines as a beacon of light for Thrift and Goodwill, a fashionista of the Five & Dime, a maven for the mundane, a Doyenne of the global junk drawer, a Harry Winston of Household Objects and an Artist of the First Order: Mrs. Vera.

Mrs. Vera, the original Conehead.

      Some of the Great Unwashed have accused me of being Mrs. Vera's Biggest Fan, as if that's a bad thing, like Kathy Bates in Misery (hey, she won an Oscar donchaknow). The truth is I am a huge fan. Because the fact is MRS. VERA RULES THE WORLD, the Verasphere that is. She is making art out of the world's cast-offs, creating beauty out of our flotsam and jetsam, and her creativity knows no bounds. The world she creates is beautiful -- a Woolworth's counter on acid, with a dash of wormwood and a side of Gaudi on steroids. No more talking! I'm out of words. Let me show you why Mrs. Vera deserves more attention, funding grants, museum exhibits and stalkers (nay, fans!):

Mrs. Vera was on Leave it to Beaver.  

     

   Mrs. Vera brightens any room.

                           

Mrs. Vera is a poser, not a poseur.   

                           

 Mrs. Vera is a travelling picnic basket of wonders.

Mrs. Vera's personal paparazzi, an artist in his own right, Mr. Stone. 

.

Dot dot dash, so much panache!

Mrs. Vera dressed scores of people for the Pride Parade, a wonder of ingenuity.

And if that is not enough to make a fan out of you, check out Mrs. Vera and Mr. Stone's adorable Cindy Lou in her chapeau!

oxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Empress

Is April the Cruelest Month? T.S. Eliot Should Have Shopped at Goodwill

    T.S. Eliot was a grumpy old man. C'mon man, things may be bad, but calling it The Waste Land? (Are you happy now, CE? Next time could you just throw me a bone here?) Isn't that just a wee bit heavy-handed? On the other heavy hand, April goes out of its way to be annoying to the Empress, what with taxes, Santa Ana winds, pollen, the Warriors' ignominy, and feeling bad once again for not running the Boston Marathon. But April does, coincidentally,  have April Fool's Day, and it is National Manatee Awareness Month and we now get to trot out our white Keds to play kickball (oops, this is just a flashback). Eliot was an Anglophile of the worst order -- born a freckled American boy, and then getting all snotty in his tweeds and cool specs. So if he was so brilliant, why didn't he shop at Goodwill? (For a more postive take on T.S., see http://melicreview.com/archive/iss23/chaffinessay.htm)

May Day! May Day! The Empress has gone way Off-Topic again when she has Bright Spring Things to regale you with. These outfits speak for themselves, since I covered them with huge textual comments. It's time to store those cardigans and bring on some new hues because, as Walt Disney said, The World is a Carousel of Color, Wonderful, Wonderful Color. First my vintage Hawaiian dress -- the tag is really old and says "Kamehameha", which in Hawaiian means "Forget the volcano, I am the most fabulous thing on the island."

 

Donovan asks you to call him Mellow Yellow. The Empress asks you to wear your sunglasses while in her presence.

  

Or if you want to do yellow in a more subdued, T.S. Eliot groupie way:

 
Go out in your flowered Capris and wade in some warming waters -- just be sure to Keep Your Trousers Rolled (nudge, nudge, wink wink).

The Empress of Thrift Suffers Dive Bends on Splash-Down in the Retail World

       Did it fly by for you? In the Goodwill Six-Month Challenge, the Empress undertook to buy only non-profit-benefitting thrift items from Oct. 1, 2009 to March 31, 2010.  As usual, the Empress had a mixed motive: (1) to show her subjects how she could spend less and be fashionable (which means "looking better than a hot mess") and (2) to promote her relentless and annoying quest to be "holier than thou" (a quality she had hoped to give up for Lent.) If you do not moonlight as an astronaut, you might not know that re-entry into earth's atmosphere is not pretty: the gases in the lungs and GI tract expand, the moisture in  the mouth and eyes quickly boils away, there is severe sunburn, and  some parts of the body swell to twice their usual size. 

A NASA altitude chamber     When the Empress opened the rubber sealed glass door at the indoor mall, she thought she could live with most of those effects: she'd need the expanded gases to breathe deeply, the boiled away mosture meant she could skip bathroom breaks, and the mall was a hermetically sealed chamber so sunburn would be minimal. But SWELLING TO TWICE HER SIZE? How would she buy those True Religion white, stretch jeans with the iPad in their pocket? It was so unfair -- she hadn't even been to Hot Dog on a Stick and she was lurching through the perfume counters like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.

   She had to get out, and fast. She gallumphed past the  salesclerks, the kiosk barkers, Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Forever 21 (that was especially painful) and drove to Goodwill, where she found this New-With-Tags Rodarte' dress for her lovely offspring.

     To gain back her buying moxie,  she needed consumer confidence.


*The Empress realized that she needed to summon her patron saint of shopping, St. Elda Erickson, who taught her to thrift, sew, darn, and goshdarnit, look up words she didn't know before using them aloud to embarrass herself. Thank you, Mom.

Does the Empress Go Bottomless? Inquiring minds want to know.

Persons reading this blog (and I use the plural case loosely) may have noticed that the Empress only posts photos of thrift items that adorn the Empress' bodice or neck, with an occasional tunic or dress (or tawdry teddy). A question arises as to the nether regions of the Empress, and whether they have coverage. My readers have been too shy to raise this question.

 Wait, since I am apparently baring all to you, let me be honest here: no one has raised this question, possibly because my regular readership consists of The Empress and her two doxie assistants (I read it aloud to them and we all have a good chuckle/snort, though they look quizzical when I say that I am a dogged shopper). And while I'm on a truth-telling binge, the Empress has purchased fabulous things for the lower 40 acres. Until now, she has not posted them because her dress form has a steel rod where legs should be. [Insert off color joke of our choice here] Here is Mimi:

 The Empress could don these bottom items and somehow take photos of herself from the waist down, but what right-minded woman would do so? Our Bodies, Ourselves never told us in our 20's that childbirth, gravity and a diet heavy in Cheetos and chocolate chip cookie dough would mold our hind sides like play doh into unrecognizable shapes. The answer: two dimensional photos of the great pants and shoes I have found, less the flesh and blood that distends their shapes. Here are Marc Jacobs pants and AG jeans I found in Goodwill boutiques:

Here are my favorite AG jeans (retail $160) Goodwill: $15

Shoes: I bought these Tory Burch flats online at shopgoodwill.com:

These are beautiful embossed boots for my daughter. Again, shopgoodwill.com.

I bought these form fitting Weitzman boots on sfgoodwill's site on ebay:

I have more items but I promised a shorter blog, so I will save them for next time. So now you know, the Empress sports full coverage, so as not to scare the dogs and tots staring up at her as she greets the little people of her empire.

This Week's Issue: Should the Empress be Committed?

1. Commitment to Thrift.
The byword for this week is "committed," as in, should the Empress have been committed for her foolhardy trek through snow and sleet to shop at Goodwills in New York City? Or, as in, should the Empress' subjects admire how committed she is to thrift shopping considering that her hotel was 1/2 block from the biggest Macy's in the world, there was a white-out snow storm, and she did not enter Macys hallowed (and heated) revolving doors? (Note: jarring pronoun change to first person coming) Here is the the magic talisman for my commitment to thrifting.

I bought this necklace on etsy.com (the rusty chain), and if you haven't shopped on etsy yet, first turn over your assets to a conservator so you don't blow it all on charms and chotchkies.  

2. The Wizard of Saks.

My magic necklace is a shiny reminder of the joy of thrifting,  and I had to kiss it like the pope's ring for strength when I slipped into Saks Fifth Avenue and breathed the rarified fumes of people who bathe their dogs in J'Adore perfume and burn their money as incense in the restroom to ward off common folk. I was in Saks to buy something nice for my lovely daughter, who deserves something that no one else has worn before. (The Goodwill Challenge does not apply to gifts.) By shopping thrift, I save enough to indulge others (Reason no. 41 to shop thrift). So I'm in Saks, and I dozed off on the velvet settee in the Burberry section, and there was a tornado, and when I awoke, everything was in color and there was music and food and lights! I must have killed the wicked witch! Hipster waiters offered me champagne and pink macaroons! Had I taken too much Benadryl again? No, it was the opening of Zac Posen's new line and the style-mongers were out in full force.

I am somewhere in that photo in my wet jeans, furry boots and puffer coat. Yeah, I really blended.


3. Destination NYC Goodwill Stores.


Happily, I was rewarded for my commitment to thrift when I steered my dogsled to two NYC Goodwills. Here are the fashionable Goodwill establishments, where Zac Posen's clothes will go to for a happier second marriage.

Flatiron District Goodwill

Chelsea Goodwill

NYSE tableau at Chelsea store

With blue hands and my body like a buffet ice sculpture, all I could think of was find.WARM.clothes. So I bought 4 boring warm sweaters. I was channeling my Mom's classic fashion sense. Next, defrosted to just soggy, I bought 2 skimpy dresses for warmer climes and times.

4. Repetitive Item Syndrome.


 Looking at these from a warm room in California, I realize I was hypothermic and bought THE MOST BORING CLOTHES EVER. Look at the variety:

Wow, stripes! I went crrrrazy.

This argyle number yells, "Social Studies teacher disappointed in Love but self-supporting."

Here are the two things I bought in case the sun returned to its orbit around the earth:

 Left pic: for my pretty one. 

Right pic: My protest against pastels at Easter.

.

5. Traveling with Archie and Jughead.

Random showing off of item that is NOT boring: Here's a cashmere scarf from Kitson I bought at Goodwill's Fillmore store -- it kept me warm in the snow, and one New Yorker told me I looked like a New Yorker, the ultimate compliment for a shivering blonde with hat hair. It's Betty from Archie comics. I like her. We all like her. We hate that slutty Veronica, who would surely win the The Bachelor on TV by climbing over Betty's back in her spiky Louboutins.

I commit to a shorter blog next time. 

GAME OVER