Goodwill presents Jewels Fit for a Queen (or Empress)

The Empress did not win the fabulous multi-jeweled necklace of fake Bedazzled® gewgaws shown in her last post. The Empress' subjects may do her bidding, but no one does her eBay bidding for her, and alas, she was distracted by more pressing state concerns such as (1) which Burt Bacharach song Jens Lekman would sing at a stranger's wedding, (2)  how to hide the evidence of her eating chunky peanut butter straight from the jar from the Duchess of Dolmas, and  (3) whether to dress as a 14 year old cowgirl or Black Swan for the Oscars. So the Empress lost the auction for the Mega-Bauble by 50 cents, or the equivalent of one Twix bar, legal tender in the Empire. Looking back, it is now evident that the stars were not aligned that day for a reason. There were more Empressy things to come at Goodwill. Just take a gander at these beauties, fit for coronations, galas, and workouts at the gym to get that peanut butter off the Empress' hips.

 The Empress' annual Birthday Month is on the horizon, when the Royal Court gathers to protest the unfairness of the Gregorian calendar's alteration of the Julian calendar, and resulting loss to the world of a whole day. The Empress says "a pox on this algorithm" and throws herself down on her ermine duvet cover in a hissy fit worthy only of pampered royalty. Check out the flawed math:

if year modulo 400 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse if year modulo 100 is 0
       then not_leap_yearelse if year modulo 4 is 0
       then is_leap_yearelse
       not_leap_year

Wrrite your own protest on Wiki - Leapyear Cheats The Empress

If you want to make it up to the Empress, you can bid on these earrings -- real diamonds, gold and emeralds, at SF Goodwill link to auction of earrings rightfully belonging to the Empress.

Holy Bobbins and Broomsticks, these earrings go for only $2,999.00 -- or 5,598 Twix bars. Dogdangit -- The Empress will have to increase the rents on the serfs' demesnes.

The Empress Who Came in from the Cold

I wish I could say that this post is back by popular demand, but that would violate the cone of truthiness between the Empress and her two readers. The Empress has a hard time disguising herself since the rhinestone points of her tiara poke through the Trilby hat and her flowing robes drag on the floor under her trench coat. But due to her passion for Goodwill, and all things thrift, the Empress accepted her mission to be a mole embedded with the enemy -- the crack-like discount auction sites that have their own alarms to alert vulnerable shoppers when to start the on-line mob scene. Going on Gilt.com at 9:00 PST is like pummeling your way through T.J. Maxx when someone announces Fendi bags over the sound system, which is not protected speech under the First Amendment because it incites violence. The resulting PSTD has kept the Empress cowering in the corner of her closet trying to forget the bloodbath otherwise known as Christmas shopping.

  

What could lure her out of her hidey-hole? Only one thing could make her crawl out from the dust bunnies and old shoes, not to mention the ratty leg warmers left over from the Eighties, and the Aughts (yes, look it up)(how could this fashion mistake rear its ugly head twice in the Empress lifetime? Answer: the Empress has some miles on her). That one thing is Shiny Objects. Place one in the Empress' peripheral view, and ...wait, what was that, I can't focus now that this shiny thing with a million other shiny things appears before me.

Now I hear the Jersey Boys soundtrack, and Frankie Valli, or his imitator in that show, crooning "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You and here's the part that is Too Good to Be True -- this is on SF Goodwill's eBay site right at this minute. The Empress is even bidding on itrather than declaring eminent domain over it, as she could since all crown jewels inure to her as Head of State in the Empire of Fabulous Thrift Finds.

There are six hours left to bid. The Empress would provide a link, but then she'd have to empty the royal coffers to beat out all your bids to add this to the Royal collections. Okay, let's unleash the hounds... go to
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=290519791725&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT